As a kid, I stayed in a room, 4 walls, smaller than the image shown.
I grew up with a lot of pain on the outside of me, so to withdraw from the noise, I would retreat. I could create my own world there & whatever I wanted to be.
I carried, “The Room,” mentality w/ me wherever I went and shut the world out.
Even if I was dragged from the physical representation, I would result to building the 4 walls in my conversations and actions.
As a result, the room has followed me into adulthood, to the point of me completely shutting down, instead of speaking & standing up for myself. Enough is ENOUGH!
I can’t afford to allow anything nor anyone to get me to sabtoge my opportunity to give them the satisfaction of me going away or being ran all over.
I dont like confrontation nor dealing w/ issues that have no benefit to my well-being, but I am being challenged to step up & say what I feel. My feelings are valid.
I have been naive in my approach. I didn’t see that people are capable of being evil. I saw kindness first. If they weren’t kind, I would blame myself, thinking, something I did, caused it. It was for me to fix it, make it better. It didn’t matter that I suffered internally, as long as they were happy, then, I could be.
This mentality came from dealing w/ insecurities. My greatest insecurity, right now, is financial. I am at the beginning stages of my start-up, & 2 jobs. One, I can’t work like I desire because of lack of transportation, the other, I just started. All 3 have potential for production, but not at the speed to hide how I feel.
It is my weakness to attack my vulnerability & succumb to pressure, as if I deserve, to be treated w/ no respect.
- It is not okay for me to be treated wrong because of my circumstances. I am worthy, beautiful, & knowledgeable. I deserve to be kind to me first.
- I am a loving, caring person. It isn’t my fault if someone doesn’t like me.
I don’t want to go in the room again, internalizing my frustration, I want to be vocal, assertive, and authoritative.
The room is where I stayed away from the noise.
The leader in me is rising, but the room has to end for me to go all the way. This will take a development of contentment, and ability to be okay w/ my circumstances because I am not stagnant but working very hard to improve and establish a new foundation for my children and I.
Before my dad passed, he told me 2 important things that I need to constantly repeat to myself and not just remember:
- “I deserve to be happy.”
- “You can’t expect people to treat you, like you, treat them.”
He knew that those 2 sayings would become beneficial in my life if I used them accordingly.
We are talking about 30 years worth of damage, ending, in a month, so that I will go into the new year renewed and revived. I will have to face it again, so I can overcome. It may not show up the way it did before, but nevertheless, I know God will be there, speaking to me, to say it is now time to break down, the room.
Pic from “Just Writing” WordPress
Our motto still stands and I deal w/ it everyday: